Everyone knows that the wildly popular CW hit Riverdale is cuckoo bananas. Being that it is a show wedged deeply within the current pop culture, even those who would actively try to avoid it can’t help but be somewhat intrigued (admit it) by its over-the-top antics and campy style. For those of you who do watch the show, this is precisely why you love it. With the new season of Riverdale just around the corner (Season 3 premieres tonight), we take a look at the top 10 moments where the show was so Riverdale, we almost couldn’t deal.
10. Varchie Goes Full Steam Ahead into Inappropriate Territory
(2×01 – “A Kiss Before Dying”)
“Thought you might want some company?” (The CW)
So, let’s set the mood here: we’ve got Archie standing in the shower and streams of water are running down his washboard abs. That’s a pretty good start, right? Except he’s rinsing his dad’s blood off after being covered in it all day while waiting at the hospital to hear about whether or not his dad would live after being shot. And not too long before that, he was rescuing his friend Cheryl from drowning herself by punching his way through the ice to get to her, which is why he is wearing a cast that we’re pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to get waterlogged. Even just the set-up for this is already insane! And then, in walks Veronica trying to be a supportive girlfriend, which, in her mind, means stripping down to the nude (not counting her pearls, of course) and climbing in there with him so they can have a steamy make-out sesh. Later on, in Season 2, we found out this is primarily how Varchie communicate, but the timing here was a little off, don’t you think? Then again, when is there ever a quiet moment for some sexy time in Riverdale?
9. A New Snake Sheds Her Skin
(2×08 – “House of the Devil”)
“It’s a very, very mad world.” (The CW)
This one caused a lot of controversy when it first aired as it featured a teenage girl pole-dancing in lingerie in front of a bunch of older men, her mom, and her boyfriend. The motive behind it was carrying out a sexist Southside Serpent tradition – dubbed as such by Toni Topaz (a member of the Serpents herself) – and was a misguided attempt by Betty to show support for her boyfriend as a new member. Man, someone really needs to give these ladies some sound dating advice! The whole thing was more than a little uncomfortable, and poor Betty was dumped over it as well! Not cool, Jug. Not cool.
8. It’s All Fun and Games Until Somebody Gets a Pig’s Heart in a Box
(2×07 – “Tales from the Darkside”)
“This sick game you’re playing with my girl ends now.” (The CW)
Cheryl has quite the way of expressing herself – as we’ve seen time and time again on the series – but this has got to be the creepiest way of showing love ever…for anybody. It started out relatively mild (for Cheryl’s standards), with teddy bears, post-it notes (albeit unnerving), and locker-room massages. But Josie (and we) drew the line at the bloody pig’s heart in a box. Cheryl also framed Chuck for all of it! We know he’s not the greatest guy out there (by a long shot), but he was trying to better himself. How does one come back from something as diabolical as this? Duh, you just sing a duet and it’s like it never happened. Seriously, it really is like it never happened.
7. Archie Has Dumb Idea. Demonstrates Remarkable Follow-Through.
(2×03 – “The Watcher in the Woods”)
“We will find you, we will hunt you, and we will end you.” (The CW)
Archie’s answer to the Black Hood was to form a legion of shirtless boys to hunt him down. This was probably the dumbest thing Archie has ever done – which is saying a lot. “No violence,” he said. “We’re not vigilantes,” he said. Well, the viral video you created says otherwise, Arch. There was no way this could have been seen as anything other than a bunch of teenage jocks on a testosterone bender. And no, Veronica, no amount of custom-made, scoop-neck tees could ever give it even a smidgen of “style and panache.”
6. Dark Betty Rises
(1×03 – “Body Double”)
“Betty couldn’t make it. So, she sent me instead.” (The CW)
Ah, the beginning of Dark Betty. And what better way to be birthed into the world than with a syrupy bubble bath brewed to temperatures that destroy toxic masculinity? We agree that Chuck slut-shaming Veronica was completely unacceptable, but the extent to which Betty exacted her revenge was, frankly, terrifying. According to Lili Reinhart in a recent interview, the Dark Betty wig is dead and buried, so don’t expect to see her again anytime soon.
5. Best Friends Means Never Having to Say Sorry About That One Time I Buried You Alive
(2×09 – “Silent Night, Deadly Night”)
“Pick up the shovel, fill in the grave.” (The CW)
This was like something straight out of a horror film. Thinking that the Black Hood had buried Mr. Svenson alive, Archie and Betty dug up his makeshift grave, only to find that it housed an empty coffin. The Black Hood then held them at gunpoint and had Archie climb into it and his lifelong best friend bury him alive instead. How Archie and Betty managed to carry on with their lives after that without tons of therapy is quite the testament to their friendship!
4. Some Seriously Sketchy Serpent Surgery
(2×09 – “Silent Night, Deadly Night”)
“Oh, Penny. It’s time you learn.” (The CW)
This is why Bughead should never be apart. We think that if there is a Dark Jughead to match Dark Betty, this would be the best contender. Nobody saw this one coming. Being the leader of the Serpents really must have gone to Juggie’s head because he went berserk on Penny Peabody and staked his claim to Riverdale by dragging her out to Greendale and then proceeding to slice off her Serpent tattoo. Silly Penny, a tattoo does not a Serpent make. But just to be sure, Jughead cut it off anyway. Here’s hoping she doesn’t join that witchy cult out there in Greendale (*cough* tune in to The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix *cough*) and come back to hex him. Actually, on second thought, that would be pretty awesome!
3. The “Family” That Murders Together Stays Together?
(2×12 – “The Wicked and the Divine”)
“Mom?” (The CW)
If anything can ruin the afterglow of having your virginity taken by your first love, it would be walking into your living room to see your mother and your pseudo-long-lost-brother cleaning up a bloody murder scene. Just another regular evening for Betty Cooper. The entire Chic fiasco was wacko from start to finish and there are still a ton of unanswered questions surrounding it, but this moment takes the cake for all of the drama he caused the Cooper family. Even guilt-ridden Alice was ready to throw him out of the house after this – and she still thought he was her real son at this point!
2. Penelope Remains the “Worst Mother Ever” Undefeated Champ
(2×17 – “The Noose Tightens”)
“They’re gonna make you all better.” (The CW)
Penelope Blossom is the worst mother ever and she has done plenty to wrong her children, but sending her daughter to conversion therapy is easily the most harmful. The fact that the show would even dare to tackle this subject matter was shocking. The Sisters of Quiet Mercy? Sisters of “Quiet Torment” would be more accurate. Their idea of “conversion therapy” involved menial labor, watching old homophobic “educational” videos, and, we think, needles? What an effed-up place! Toni said it best: “What the hell decade is this?”
1. Cheryl Goes Full Carrie on Her Mother
(2×18 – “A Night to Remember”)
“You and Uncle Claudius are pig people and should live amongst the pigs.” (The CW)
If you thought anyone other than Queen Cheryl was gonna top this list, you were sorely mistaken, just like Penelope. Cheryl may not have had the chance to perform as Carrie White on the stage – again, thanks to Penelope being the Worst™ – but she still acted out the iconic, blood-drenching scene in a special “private performance.” This scene was batshit (or should we say “pig’s blood”) crazy and we loved it. As far as we are concerned, everyone in this scenario got what they deserved. Also, Nana Rose is the OG Choni shipper and should be protected at all costs.
Obviously, there is no shortage of contenders for this list. Riverdale is absolutely bonkers, and we have learned to never underestimate how far it will go. We are totally pumped to see what Season 3 has up its sleeve. What are some of the moments you think we missed on this list? Let us know on Twitter!
Riverdale Season 3 premieres Wednesday, October 10th on the CW.
